I was a new mom flooded with dark thoughts—six words changed my perspective (2024)

Six words. Six words that let me know I was not alone.

In 2019, my husband and I welcomed our first child. For many years, I was so eager for this very moment. It was beautiful, amazing, overwhelming, and nothing like I had planned.

When the big day arrived, my husband and I got up early and headed to the hospital for an induction. The "plan" was to hopefully be holding our son by the end of the day.

My body and my son had other plans. After laboring for three days, my heart rate dropped and so did my son's. It was decided shortly after that our situation required a cesarean.

Within minutes, I was whisked away to an operating room where my son was born. He was gorgeous—and absolutely pissed. I joke now that with both of my children I was too good of a host because they didn't want to leave.

I struggled to breastfeed in the hospital. He wouldn't latch and I was recovering from a major surgery. Multiple specialists came in and coached me. Eventually, we were sent home with what looked like a science project to use every time I fed him.

It was so complicated that I decided to exclusively pump and supplement with formula.

Nothing could have prepared me for the months to follow. You don't sleep in those first few months. When you do, it's never enough.

And then there is the anxiety. I went from someone who had occasional anxiety to being flooded with intrusive thoughts. They added to my feeling like an absolute failure as a mom.

When I interacted with other individuals, I would hear "isn't it just the best?! Aren't you just so full of joy?"

I was. But I was also overwhelmed and starting to feel numb. I cried all the time when I was alone. I would always talk to my son and tell him that I loved him so much and that I was sorry I was so sad. I assured him he wasn't the reason for the tears.

I reached a point one day where I truly believed that my son and my husband would be better off without me. I had convinced myself that I was the obvious problem.

In my role as Arkansas Chapter Area Director for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), I've learned that resiliency can be a protective factor against suicide.

Whether it was resiliency or hard-headedness, I was able to convince myself that I, in fact, was not the problem. I would remind myself that I was healing, and my life had changed dramatically.

I set out to add things in my day-to-day schedule that helped breathe life back into me. So, I would walk every day with my baby. I would schedule meet-ups each week to give myself something on the calendar to look forward to.

I also began to let go of these things that I labeled as a "failure." My son was thriving with formula. I let go of breastfeeding and with that decision, I came back to myself a little bit.

Each time I let go of something I felt was a failure, I was able to recognize myself a little more.

While attending an event for a nonprofit I volunteered for, one of my friends said, "The newborn phase wasn't my favorite."

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. No one said that. I felt that inside, but no one said that out loud. It was so affirming to know that I wasn't alone.

She also shared that every stage after six months was her favorite. For me, that was also true. Every stage has been my favorite (after the newborn stage, of course).

I now have a second child and I am happy to report that I was able to navigate my postpartum with our second much easier.

Part of that is because I and my husband advocated for my needs in the hospital.

I also let go of the things I felt I "had" to do. When our daughter slept, so did I. I stopped worrying about the laundry, the house being fit for a king, and all the other chores. I took care of myself and my baby first. I let go of forcing breastfeeding.

I also believe that because I knew that I was at risk for suicide, and because of the education I have learned as a staff member for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, I was able to help surround myself with support just in case I needed it.

You are not alone. In fact, it's important we talk about traditionally taboo topics like reproductive mental health and suicide as nearly 20 percent of women experiencing postpartum depression have thoughts of harming themselves.

If you are reading this, my hope is that you felt what I felt. You've got this, momma!

If you are a partner reading this, your significant other may be hesitant to tell you they are struggling, but having a supportive conversation with them about their mental health can make a world of a difference.

Here are three tips on how to encourage a person who is hesitant to receive help:

1. Ask and listen: When someone is facing challenges with their mental health, actively listening without judgment to what they say can be more important than talking. Ask them what their concerns are about taking the next step in getting help and control your own natural instincts to tell them what to do. Once they've shared their thoughts, let them know you hear them. You can say something like "Help me understand why you feel that way."

2. Reach out for immediate help in a crisis: It is immensely important that someone who may be at risk for taking their own life reach a crisis line such as the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or the Crisis Text Line if they aren't already in active communication with their own mental health professional. Trust your gut, assume you may be the only one to reach out, and ask them directly if they're thinking about suicide. Stay with them (on the phone, virtually, or in person) and do what you can to keep them safely away from lethal means like firearms and drugs. When you reach someone with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, describe what's going on, and listen to their instructions.

3. Be persistent and follow up: Encouraging someone to get help isn't an exact science. It requires patience, persistence, and intuition about what the person will respond to. How receptive they are may change over time. If the person isn't in immediate danger, it can be good to let thoughts and feelings settle before trying again. Remind them that what you can agree on most is the goal for them to feel better.

Finally, if you need someone to talk to, the National Maternal Mental Healthline is available 24/7. You can call and text 1-833-TLC-MAMA.

Jacqueline Sharp is the Area Director for the Arkansas Chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. She was drawn to this work because of her own lived experience during postpartum, she has loved ones she supports who struggle, and she believes that mental health is physical health.

All views expressed are the author's own.

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